“if I’m at a point in which I think I’ve got nothing to lose, then why not take a wild risk to try to get to a better place?”

The problem I have with that is I know I can make things way worse rather than better by taking risks so I end up stuck where I am. I took a lesser risk a few years ago and thankfully only moved laterally, nothing really improved but at least I didn’t make it worse.

I just need a “fuck it” attitude, but that’s never been in my character. I’m more of a “worry about everything” person because “luck” is never on my side, I need to MAKE things happen or they never work out… If I don’t have control over it, it fails. I really envy people that just seem to float through life, having everything work out as they wanted lol

As far as the suicide goes, I’m basically “not allowed” to. I’m thankful that I have family that care about me and would be crushed if anything happened to me. Plus I know I’ll have to take care of my older brother when my parents are gone, so no matter how much I don’t want to be here, I have to be.

As far as the cosmos goes, I’m one that tends to believe what we have is all we have, there is no “again.”