Not sure where else to post this besides here…if it’s more appropriate somewhere else, please direct me there.
31, male, virgin, autism, bipolar, socially awkward, ostracized growing up, hit with the ugly stick.
I have decided to end the search for a romantic partner in the face of 100% failure over the past decade and a half. The idea that everyone has a soulmate is bullshit, and I’m one of the ones who doesn’t. I have not found anyone who seems to want me (there was a brief LDR but she was psychotic, as I quickly found, and things ended very shortly after they began), and given my near-total lack of experience I don’t see any point in making any further efforts.
I cannot change how anyone sees me nor can I compel anyone to view me in a certain light. Whatever flaws I possess in addition to those already mentioned are, apparently, deep-rooted and systemic to the point that I don’t know what I need to change about myself, nor do I think at this point that it’s even possible (or indeed worth it).
I have tried to make my peace with this. Every time I think I’ve done it, though, something comes up and I’m back to square one again. (This time around it was a random manic or mixed episode.) I am in therapy, but these matters persist in causing me negative effects on my mental and physical health. The term “touch-starved” has been applied to me, among others.
I need to put this issue to rest in order to actually move on and do things with my life. How do I subdue and get over the desire for companionship?
That’s where I’m trying to get to. That’s why I’ve asked this question. It is clouding me out from that.
I mean, you really are in a tough spot because all these emotions around this desire for connection: the want, pain, grief, anger, sadness are all the ways in which your body/ brain are screaming “I need this” so I can see how the obvious solution would be “I just have to stop wanting it” so that I can make the screaming stop
but I think what the original comment (and potentially some other comments) are saying is that you maybe have to turn toward the, listen to it, honor it (in a practical sense maybe get therapy or find other social services to try and meet the need in the interim) and then tell yourself that you are going to get your body/ brain what it needs, you’re just going to do in a different way. You’re going to work on things that matter to you, and move forward down that path, instead of the one you are currently on.
It’s not easy to listen though. Listening means facing a lot of the places that fear comes from. It’s all just very hard and I sincerely hope you find what you’re looking for.